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Category Archives: First Date
He was the DJ at our college pub, and had gotten my number from one of my meddlesome friends. At the insistence of these same friends, I agreed to go on a date with Dr. DJ.
Dr. DJ picked me up and informed me we were going clubbing at some trendy new bar in the city. It is a 45-minute drive, and for each and every one of those minutes, he talked about nothing but himself.
Just spoke with a gentleman who said that he was on a date with a woman who was a pilot.
“Unheard of right?! You never meet female pilots.”
I nodded enthusiastically.
“So in my head, I’m like oh great I’m going to get so many deals and there are so many places that I need to go. I’ve got the list going all through dinner.”
“Did you guys travel together?” I asked.
“No, she never called me back.”
I went on a date with a hot surfer named Dave. Everything was going great, until he spent the entire date talking about his anxiety. And managing his anxiety. And why he was feeling so anxious right now.
He asked to meet up for coffee–at 6pm.
I said: How about beer?
Ok. We met for a beer.
On our second drink, I noticed he was getting a crazy rash on his neck.
I said: You are getting a crazy rash on your neck.
He said: Oh–I’m allergic to beer. I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.
I told him: Goodnight.
I mean, really. WTF.
First + Very BAD Date
I was divorced for 3 years and my friends decided it was time for me to start dating.
I acquiesced and the suggestions started rolling in.
The date was set. We met at a restaurant on the East River in NYC.
I knew who to look for because I did my research. “He” was a published author and screenwriter.
I had gone to the library (yes folks this was a LONG TIME AGO) and found “his” book and looked for a photo. Not bad looking – actually interesting and quite attractive.
All of this is why I agreed to meet him.
So we met. I wasn’t sure if it was him. The headshot in his book was about 20 years old. I neglected to register the dates. I psyched myself into enjoying the dinner and evening.
The dinner was delicious. When I realized I counted 32 boats on the East River, I acknowledged something was amiss but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Here was a smart guy, nice looking, accomplished and yet my radar said “nope – he is a bit strange”.
I got my answer toward the end of our dinner when he leaned across the table (I thought he was going to say, “You are so beautiful OR I am having a lovely evening OR ?????) and said…
“I have a Big Wiener”. I swear this is the absolute truth. It is unusual for me to not have anything to say but I didn’t have anything to say. I sat there with my mouth open (I know what you’re thinking). I didn’t know whether to be more shocked that a guy in his 50’s called his manhood a “wiener” or that he actually said this out loud.
My cousin Tina suggested I should have put my hand in the air, snapped my fingers and said “Waiter – mustard please”.
I should know better by now, but I fail to learn and become desperate for companionship so that I forget guys are douches in L.A.
I threw up blood in a movie theatre then ended up sleeping on the roof of my house after leaving the ER, and that was the end of the worst date I’ve ever been on.
Because sometimes, “goodbye” just isn’t enough
A letter to a recent date:
Thank you for the dinner on our first date and the lunch on our second date. But here’s the news flash: You won’t be getting a third.
I always believe in second chances, hence I agreed to meet you for our second date. It also helped that it was during bright sunlight so I could truly figure out that I wasn’t attracted to you.
While it was totally my idea to go on a hike on the beach, the one thing I have learned, always check the tidal charts. That said, when the tide was high so we had to climb the rocks (my personal prison for 45 minutes), it allowed me to ask you some important questions and learn more about you. I understand you a bit more, but what I don’t understand is how you felt you “knew me” and thus could suck my face off and “pet” me like I was your dog. I also don’t understand how, after my obvious disgust by your kissing, you still invited me to Las Vegas with you!
I’d like to offer you some tips you might want to think about as you continue to look for Mrs. Right:
1) Do not admit that you live with your parents no matter what the situation is. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t sound like this was a temporary thing you were doing because your parents were sick and/or elderly. It sounded more like you were cheap and moving home was easy. You are forty and should be able to pay rent somewhere no matter your expenses. Get a roommate if you have to. I can guarantee, no woman, except maybe someone looking for a greencard, will date you and agree to come to “your room”. (And you describing me “slipping in the back door” so no one would know, was laughable.)
2) Visit your dentist. This might sound bitchy, but you like to smile a lot (and that’s a good thing)…you just have a “snaggle tooth” and you should have that fixed. It also might be good to brush your teeth before a date.
3) Don’t brag about your timeshare vacations. Obviously you’ve been suckered into going to these outposts during the most undesirable times of the month (Palm Springs in July, Vegas in August. Who does that???) Truly, save your money and get an apartment. You will get far more action in your own apartment than in your timeshare.
4) Watch more porn. (I know…odd for me to say that) You are a terrible kisser and have zero technique. (I imagine your bedroom skills are probably on par with this thought.) Practice on your arm if you have to…but you need to watch some epic kisses…rent some romantic comedies. Have you ever seen a woman be “petted” before? Yeah…don’t do that either…(One of my favorite kisses is from “One Fine Day” with George Clooney kissing Michelle Pfeiffer – he picks her up and kisses her against a wall…watch it and learn from it. My tip to you….)
I do not think all is lost for you Dave. Keep trying, you will meet a wonderful woman. Do not be such an eager beaver, slow down, get to know them…and for god sakes…. Get your own apartment.
P.S: Please follow me at: www.datinginlalaland.com
Letter actually sent:
Thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to meet me and get to know me. Honestly I think you are a wonderful man. That said, I want to be honest with you. I have been dating another gentleman who I’d like to pursue and it has progressed a bit farther.
I hope you have a wonderful time in Las Vegas and thank you for the invitation.
And then he responded:
Thank you being upfront with me (although, you really weren’t). Actually, I think you just made this up ’cause you know I would rock your world too much and you wouldn’t be able to handle it! LOL
I believe I’ve dodged yet another bullet….cause again he would have “rocked my world” – yeah right. To all the Dave’s out there…don’t be haters. Read up on my tips at www.datinginlalaland.com. – Heidi Carson
Have a letter you wanted to send to a former date, but didn’t? Send it to us! Make yourself a cocktail and get those feelings off your chest!