Chatting Up Girls
There’s a Latin word for the young male who is adept at flirting with the opposite sex and that word is ‘arsehole’. Of course, this comes from my own bitter teenage experience of chatting up girls being as successful as a Mogwai in a Miss Wet T-Shirt Competition. If they didn’t go for the creepy open-mouthed staring then I’d have to try and start a conversation with words and everything. If you’ve ever tried to start your old banger of a car in the depths of winter you’re getting close to how impossible it was. If you imagine that car is also partly underwater whilst crack-crazed gibbons partied on the bonnet you’re getting closer.
So I’m not coming at this from any position of authority. But this was gold.
Then out of nowhere this lanky, overly confident lad strode up to them. He was full of verve but this wasn’t genuine confidence. This was knock-off-fake-label-from-the-market-will-defo-shrink-in-the-wash confidence. I knew it, the girls knew it and he knew it. But the jig continued.
And even better – he’s putting on an American accent! At least I think he’s trying to be American. I don’t think he’d been classically trained, but if so I hope he kept the receipt. He sounded more like a Canadian in anaphylaxis shock.
It could’ve been worse. He could’ve said star sign.
“Er, mine’s in May…”
This guy is flying. He turns to the second girl.
Wow. His birthday is in April! Always good to start with the most interesting thing about yourself I guess.
“When’s your birthday?”
I wanted to shout YOU SAID APRIL A MINUTE AGO YOU MORON but that would’ve blown my cover so I whispered it into my sleeve instead, FBI style.
“How can you have two birthdays?”
“April’s my American birthday. I celebrate my UK one in April.”
“You betcha sweet ass I’m American!”
“We all thought you were from Newcastle.”
Jesus. This reverse Dick Van Dyke routine was a riot and even the girls were starting to snigger. Catch Me If You Can this was not.
I guess the world loves a dickhead.
This observation of UK flirting (and thus answering the question–are American accents EVER sexy?!) comes to us straight from Sam Avery. You can follow Sam at https://twitter.com/samaverycomedy.