My First Bagel

Earlier this year I decided to give online dating another go. Most days it feels like a chore, but I’ve met nice guys through it in the past. A friend raved about Coffee Meets Bagel and how the app sends just one match a day. She said it’s not a time suck like Tinder where you can swipe right and left for hours obsessively. So I added Coffee Meets Bagel to my dating assistance arsenal.

For a while I was frustrated as I wasn’t matching with anyone on Coffee Meets Bagel, but soon enough Michael and I “connected.” The only intel I got from his profile was that he’s 42, he has no desire to ever leave NYC, he dressed up as the Hamburglar one Halloween and he can bind in yoga. He looked like fun.

Michael messaged me immediately, cutting to the chase and asked me out for a drink. This was a breath of fresh air to me as text/chat banter can go on for so long that it’s a buzzkill when you meet in real life. So he chose a LES Italian bistro and I had mini butterflies as I went to meet him.

I got to the place first, so was able to get comfortable at the bar before he showed up. As soon as I saw him about to enter the bistro I had this feeling that this date was going to be a bust. And with that I give you my unfiltered highlights of my Bagel date with Michael:

  • He showed up and I saw him close his golf sized umbrella (I detest people with those large umbrellas. They occupy too much sidewalk real estate. It’s only acceptable when two people are sharing the umbrella.)
  • He also looked corporate douchey, with his ID badge still clipped on his belt. (I think I’ve been in the nonprofit world too long. Back in my 20s I loved preppy. I now know better in my 30s.)
  • When the bartender came over asking for our drink orders I went with a Moscow mule and he ordered a cappuccino and a club soda (First red flag—don’t ask me out for a drink and then not drink. I immediately felt uncomfortable.)

Then for most of the date, I felt like I was answering 20 questions. I was basically interviewing for the position of future girlfriend/potential wife. Here are some tidbits:

  • He’s big into house music (second red flag–hell no just no I’m a music snob I admit it, no way. I should have walked out at this point.)
  • He wants two girls (third red flag–who asks this on a first date. Also, I want boys if I can even control that)
  • He told me about a friend’s wedding that he’s a groomsman in and then he said “if you play your cards right you’ll be my [wedding] date” (VOMIT)
  • Then he asked me why I’m still single – I MEAN HONESTLY!!!! He’s 42. I didn’t ask him the same question.
  • At one point I was playing with one of my rings (I hand gesture a lot), so he said he thought it was pretty. I said thank you. Then he said I had beautiful eyes. In my mind I was like I cannot identify any physically attractive trait of yours, so I just said thanks and we proceeded with the interrogation.
  • All this talking and me not feeling it was exhausting, so I decided to take a breather. I excused myself to go to the ladies room where I texted my gal pal Aimee to see what she was up to because it was bordering on 2 hours and I needed an exit strategy.

When we were finally calling it a night, we both stepped outside. I’d opened my umbrella, he opened his. I looked at him and said, “Okay do we hug? I’m a hugger.” So I tipped my umbrella to the side, got under his obscenely massive umbrella to give a hug. I got an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek. Again, I felt nothing. He said he was going to hail a cab on the corner and I told him I’m was heading to the subway. Then he texted not 30 minutes later with “I find you to be sexy and witty…may I see you again Natalia” And I was like is it just me?  How is it possible that he wants to go on a second date? He couldn’t have felt anything. But again who the heck knows.

Then I started replaying the entire date in my mind and had an inner debate as to whether I do accept a second date. I was thinking is this my last shot at love and happiness (dramatic I know, something I’ve termed Latina Dramatic Flair, LDF if you will). But then I was like no Natalia no. Your gut is telling you not to go on the second date. So the next day I texted back and politely said I just didn’t feel the spark and don’t want to waste your time.

This date wasn’t an epic fail. I mean he invited me under the guise of a drink and it ended up including dinner. He wasn’t a creeper, but I just kept thinking throughout the date that I have no interest in potentially kissing you even though you complimented me, touched my hand at one point, etc. He didn’t get me excited in the pants, so I cut my losses short.

Well, maybe the next online assisted date/in real life game of strangermouth will lead to a second date. Maybe even another great story.

When she’s not busy with her day job in nonprofit communications, Natalia is posting witty, snarky and fun things via social media. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram: @Nata0927

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