Let’s Take This Relationship Back On-Line

images

After a month on Match.com I finally agreed to meet my first Match.com human.

Periodically throughout the day of the date I wondered if it was my last day alive. What if I had been matched with a serial killer? What if Shane West turned out to be Steve Buscemi?

I left his contact information on my bed side table where the cops would easily see it should I never return – along with it was a request for my life leading to this moment to be turned into a Lifetime Original Movie.

Spoiler: I’m alive.

My Match

27. Fisherman. Never married. No Kids. 6’1”. Has a dog. Studied at the University of Hawaii.

Things I knew:

– He likes to work out. Shit. Good thing I can at least say I joined a gym, he doesn’t have to know my spin classes are only three minutes long.
– He and his dog are best friends.
– 
His favorite food is sushi.  So, we’ll never go out to eat together, not a deal breaker. Or, we could always go to Sushi and I just won’t eat which will help my diet. I like this.
– He taught his dog to chase his sister’s cat. Soul mate?
– He says the F word more times a day than me.
– 
Hunter
– 
Fisherman
– 
He owns a boat. Good thing the water around here is currently frozen so he can’t take me out and drown me. Cabin by the Lake?
– He hashtags.  #winner
– He wants to have a moose farm when he retires. I should have paid more attention to the things I knew.
– He eats McDonald’s. And, it doesn’t go straight to his ass – at this point I’m assuming I’m about to go on a date with a Greek God.
– 
He likes tequila.

Things that should have concerned me:

– His dog’s name is Beaver.
– 
Last read: Fifty Shades of Grey
– 
The only running he has done in the last decade has been from the cops.
– 
He knows how to use a gun.
– 
He picks up hitchhikers.
– 
He’s a snowboarder.
– 
He’s confident someone with the IQ of 50 could do his job.
– 
His grammar.
– 
His spelling. I’ve never heard of the Supper Bowl.
– 
After the Super Bowl he was hung-over for two days. By 27 did you mean 45?
– The first time he asked me out was for Valentine’s Day. Sorry, I already had plans to get drunk.

Preparing for my date

I thought about going to a self-defense class but who has time for that? I’m pretty confident that the moves I’ve learned from the movies will suffice. But, I threw a couple toothpicks in my purse just in case.

Since I don’t have many friends partaking in online dating because for some odd reason they are all fully capable of finding people in real life, I went to where this all began for some advice, the internet.

Things the internet taught me:

– Whoever invited pays.
– 
Don’t hook up on the first date; Don’t date the hook up.
– 
IRL means “in real life”
– 
Meet in a public place.
– 
The do nots:
Do not ask an Internet stranger out on a dinner date for your first meeting.
Do not invite an Internet stranger to hang out with you and your friends on your first meeting.
Do not invite an Internet stranger to do something that involves watching you perform with your band/improv group/traditional Polka dance team/whatever.
Movies are also advised against since you can’t talk.

– Remember your manners. So taking notes so I don’t forget anything while I blog about this later probably isn’t the best of ideas? Personally I think it would be rude to my readers if I left out any details.
– 
 Keep the bad behavior to a minimum. Define bad behavior. Getting wasted to me is not bad behavior, it’s how I cope with uncomfortable situations.
– 
Have a lot of good stories to tell.
– 
Practice
– 
Once you actually have a good date, follow-up quickly. This is encouraging, once you actually have a good date, so it will happen, one day. But lets face it – if finding a great online date was as easy as finding a great online deal, I’d be married by now.
– If you don’t hear back, move on. Is this because we disagree on what about average means?
– 
Keep it breezy.

So, basically, the internet taught me nothing.

The date

The only thing I was concerned about was finding this human and the initial hello – other than that there’s not much I can be too concerned about . If he likes me, I probably won’t like him. If he doesn’t like me, I’ll probably like him. If the conversation is awkward, I’ll fuel the fire. If he thinks I’m awesome, he’s right.  If he kills me, well, damn it.

Thank god he text me and said “I’m wearing the coat I am wearing in my pictures.” Awesome, you have one coat.

On my walk to the meeting place I just couldn’t decide how to approach him.

– Do I walk up holding the peace sign?
– Do I fist bump him?
– Should I have created a secret hand shake?
– Head nod?
– Hug? Hugs are usually safe, but are they safe when meeting an online stranger?
– If I do decide to hug should I open my arms and run to him when I see him?
– One handed shoulder pat?
– Two armed hug?
– Ass slap?

I creepily came around the corner and saw him sitting on the bench.  I tried to approach from a side angle because my three-minute spin class and pure barre hell had me walking funny. He leapt up like a frog and it happened – the awkward lean away from each other one-armed hug. I instantly knew he wasn’t the one for me, but I did confirm later that he does in fact have two arms which was terrific.

He was also in fact a man, which was also great.

Of course, then, the judgment began.

– Lip ring. I knew it was there but for some reason was hoping those pictures were old and that at 27 it had somehow been removed from his face.
– Tongue ring. Surprise!
– Ear piercings nicely accented by gems from Icing by Claire’s.
– My left leg is actually the size of both of his legs put together.
– If I was 16, I would have been in heaven.

This was my date.

123

Online dating is a great way to meet people who only look hot online. Ok, he wasn’t ugly, he was actually quite good-looking – minus the piercings, his awkward school boy laugh and  skinny jeans.

He held the door open for me, thanks for not completely sucking.

I am patriotic in that I love American beer. He ordered some micro-brew in an orange can and I had to keep checking to make sure he wasn’t drinking a Sunkist.

I usually talk a lot, and by usually I mean always. I could barely get a word in.

But nothing coming out of his mouth was really that interesting.

Here’s what I learned:

– His piercings are a result of a stage in his life when his goal in life was to piss off his parents and not be so “straight edge.”  I’m glad to see almost 10 years later his rebellious stage is still in tact and that he is the ultimate man child.
– He used to do a lot of drugs. I’m beginning to see why someone with an IQ of 50 could do his job.
– He blames a lot of his past on the fact that he did drugs.
– 
He is a nomad.
– He has lived here for a little over 3 months and has one friend.
– 
He is out on the ocean for 6 months a year and pretty much unreachable. This doesn’t sound so bad.
– He worked at McDonald’s after college and loved working with the highschool girls. 
– His mom loves books.
– He leaves Beaver in the car all day every day while he’s off doing mature things, like snowboarding. 
I almost called Sarah McLachlan.
– His sister is getting married and he’s not going to the wedding because he’ll be working. Wait, what?
– His sister’s wedding is going to be full of family drama. Where should I send my address for my invite?
– When I talked he tended to forget to look at my face. I had to keep looking to make sure I had in fact put a shirt on.
– I can survive two hours without checking my phone.
– A beer an hour isn’t enough. 
Next time I’ll pregame.
– I can’t survive without chapstick. I think I licked my lips for two hours which might have been seen as sexy if they weren’t chapped and bleeding by the end.
– He washed his coat prior to our date because it hadn’t been washed for 6 months. The details on how rancid it apparently smelt could have been spared.
– He likes to wear workout clothes that are two sizes too small to the gym.
– If we had children, here’s a snapshot of how adorable they would be (my eyes obviously):

 child 2 

– He is not the one.

I ended up paying. I offered because I was trying to be polite. His response? There’s a first time for everything.

At this point I’m hoping someone will swoop in and steal my identity. I’d actually hand it over. Melissa McCarthy, come and get it.

I was trying to find a classy way to leave my number with the guy at the bar next to me but then I remembered that the internet told me not to forget my manners.

He walked me to my car. How kind. The whole way I’m like great, here we go, into a parking garage, at night – this is it. I peeked at my phone to make sure the GPS locater was on.

We reached my car, embraced in one last awkward one-armed hug and went our separate ways. After of course he asked me to meet up on the mountain on Saturday. Great, a skier and snowboarder frolicking throughout the mountain and another opportunity for him to push me off a cliff, which he actually joked about. Did I mention he was hilarious?

I drove about ninety mph trying to get out of the parking garage – which was probably the only time in the last two hours I was in actual danger of dying.  

The weekend came and he ended up bailing on our ski date. He must have found my blog.

I’m sorry my online dating profile gave you the impression I’m actually interested in online dating.

This piece came to us courtesy of Shelby. Shelby has a hilarious blog and you can find her on facebook.

Share

One Response to Let’s Take This Relationship Back On-Line

  1. Beth says:

    This piece is hilarious!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *