Never date a man who…


…has a parent who was the inspiration for a movie about the Staten Island mafia…who uses your Netflix account three months after you’ve stopped talking (seriously I will give you the $7.99)…Googles your whole family…says he loves drinking more than he loves sex (seriously?!)…cancels a date because college basketball is on (oops! no, that’s me)…sends you a photo of his cat on an I.V. after cancelling twice…tells you he’s not OCD but then has to line up all his spoons–and yours…calls your apartment a “bone yard” and then says, “Can I come over and bone in the bone yard?”…says he was arrested for domestic violence…voted for George Bush. Twice…owns an apartment filled with tiny tables and chairs. Chances are he doesn’t live with little people…tells you he was coked up at his mother’s wedding and tried to stop it, then woke up underneath his cousin Frankie G’s pick up truck…is a 5 foot 5 police cadet living on McDougal st in a 250 sq ft apt and sleeps in a bunk bed with one other dude he doesn’t know…is so rich and lazy while reaching for you he cuts your cheek with his stupid big silver watch 2 nights in a row (you’ll look like a member of the Jets, and no we don’t mean the football team)…has an ex-girlfriend who is old enough to be your mother. Similarly, don’t date a man with an ex-girlfriend old enough to be the kid you babysat for…asks you if you ever want to live off the grid…has the tattoo of the Virgin Mary on one arm, and his name tattooed on the other…says “I work in retail” and when you say, “what do you sell?” he says “drugs.”


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