Sarah Tells Her Boyfriend a Tiny White Lie

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The plan was a birthday bar crawl for my best friend followed by a drunken sleepover at our friend’s big Brooklyn apartment. I brought my boyfriend (now husband). Not a huge deal, but he was meeting some of my friends and he wasn’t a big fan of NYC at the time.

So we all went out, including our very tall Swiss friend. I am tall. She is very tall. Very tall, very beautiful and she got very drunk. So the sleepover host took her home, put her to bed and we all went on our merry way.

Then we went back to the apartment and all puppy piled to sleep. Ian and I were on the floor with a few other people while The Drunken Swiss sprawled on the bed.

I woke up at 3 or 4am to see the Swiss was crouching over Ian’s head with no pants on. Now, the Swiss is like me, but taller and more glamorous and I am, so I wasn’t super excited to have her vagina flapping in the wind right above my boyfriend’s head in what I assumed was the world’s most overt invitation to sex.

So I said, “Swiss, whacha doin?” And she said, “you know what, Sarah?”

And then she punched me in the face, stood up and went to the bathroom.

Then Ian woke up and said, “why is my head wet?” And I realized that she wasn’t trying to have sex with him. She was peeing on his head. I had taken my boyfriend out on the town and made him sleep on a crowded floor in bumfuck Brooklyn where a giant peed on his head.

So now I had a choice. I could tell the truth, and force the entire apartment to deal with my urine soaked future husband or I could tell a tiny white lie and let us sleep off the booze first. So I told him it was nothing to worry about and I bought him a t shirt at the dollar store the next morning.

And when we got married I was very excited because I realized whenever the Swiss came up I could say, “oh, Elena? Oh, of course! She peed on my husband’s head!”

Sarah Hartshorne is a writer, comedian and plus sized model in NYC. She got her start in modeling on America’s Next Top Model and her start in comedy at an antique store that had monthly open mics in Western Massachusetts where she grew up. She performs all over the city, hosts a monthly show, That Time of the Month, and was voted the least annoying contestant on her ANTM cycle.

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